It’s cold. Very cold. I don’t know if it’s just the fan that’s blowing freezing winds onto me but last time I checked outside the temperature was nearly dropping. It’s like winter right here in the tropics. A slight shiver runs down periodically through my body, in various parts. My stomach also tells me it needs something to digest. I don’t think I can turn off the fan, either because of the mosquitoes here in the tropics who are still here for some reason or because of the silence that fills the night.
I’d be a hypocrite and liar if I said I had a heart as cold as can be. But I wish for just that. It’s not as much pain as it is longing, but without you… Admittedly I try to exaggerate the situation. I try not to forget you when my love for you is slowly fading away. But I guess it is the love that makes me do that.
Somehow, I always want it to be this cold. Just to show me, needing warmth. Then, when I get the opportunity that it is only you and I, I’ll sit beside you and perhaps start a little conversation. Just to take my mind off of the cold. And all the while I shall dream of warm hugs in the middle of the night, pretending I’m too stupid, numb, or just a person who forgot to use his common sense to lend you his jacket.
Sometimes, I try to exaggerate that time has passed by. Each time I look at the clock, it always shows either that it’s still early or that not much time has passed. But now, also that I have stopped reading stories and decided to write my own, I see only less than a ten minutes before eleven. I think I’ll be just in time if I went to your place just to look at the landscape, cityscape, or whatever good view may be near. Wherever your place is. I wish I knew…
But in my imagination, I was always the one who was talking when we were finally together. I visualized me telling you about my bohemian lifestyle and philosophies, with you trying to relate, occasionally telling me I have a point and keeping in mind some of the things I’ve said. I always explained to you that when you’re just so taciturn, there would always be these words, these phrases just begging for the opportunity to burst out.
Also, I thought about the possible problems that could hinder our relationship if any. I knew those problems were serious and inevitable. But I guess we still had our relationship.
I knew we would have to break up eventually, and the only choice for me when that happens is to start a new life in a new place in a new way. It would scar me forever. But I would try to avoid that. You’re older than me and some might say too good for me, whereas I’m just the usual douchebag who doesn’t even hang out or engage conversations, but a different sort of jerk who knows everything. I think I’m even taller than you. We’d have made a very awkward, or at least unorthodox couple. I may not have a few aces up my sleeve, but I guess that’s because I keep them in my pocket. I just hope they’re aces, or at least enough to win you over.
I talk too much.
